Community

[Red28]

Hi all, I'm new here and this is my first post. I guess I'm writing this because I'm struggling. And I have been for a while. Part of me wants to know that what I'm going through, isn't a lone experience. There is something in knowing that someone else out there in this big world can relate. Every day, I struggle with passive suicidal ideation. I want to live, but my brain tells me otherwise. I often want to hurt myself like I did 4 years ago, just to feel that feeling again. I can't bring myself too, and I know deep down that I don't want too. The thoughts don't stop and I'm tired. I am safe, and I don't plan on hurting myself. I just want to feel better

[Jynx]

Hey there @Red28 welcome to the forums, so glad you found us. I totally agree, knowing that there are others out there who can relate helps us to feel less alone, helps normalise our experiences. I can tell you now that there are many here who understand what you're going through. 

With my own suicidal ideation in the past, I realised it was my brain responding to extreme emotional states with equally extreme 'solutions'. Sometimes it was because I wanted someone else to care about me, for my life to matter enough that my absence would be felt. Sometimes it was because I simply wanted the pain to end. And sometimes it didn't even make sense, it just popped into my head out of nowhere and sent me spinning. 

It's a rough gig, and I am sorry that you're experiencing it. I hope someday this pain will be useful to you, and I hope that you can find some solace in knowing your experiences will be accepted here without judgement. We're here for ya 💜

[Red28]

Hi Jynx, thank you for sharing and understanding. The thoughts can be so tiring and I feel like no one I talk to, truly gets it. People around me think I'm very together, when really my head is telling me these nasty things.

[Jynx]

Can feel so rough @Red28 like you need to keep up a facade. 

Do you have mental health support for yourself? You could always look into SANE's Guided Service, if you haven't already. The support line (1800 187 263, Mon-Fri 10am-8pm) is always a good option too, if ever you feel like you need to talk to someone who is going to be open and understanding. 

Also just a lil tip, if you want other members to be notified that you've responded, you can tag them - use the @ symbol and a drop down will appear, and you can choose their name. If their name isn't there, you can type it out and it should then appear for you to select, and it will show up in blue, and they'll get a notification. We got some more tips & tricks here 😉

[Red28]

• Thanks @Jynx .I am actually having a welcome phone call tomorrow to the sane program.

[Jynx]

Oh awesome @Red28 I hope it goes well! 

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Red28 

You are definitely not alone in having these types of thoughts. I have previously struggled with both suicidal ideation and sh. I have worked hard to build my days around lots of little events like going for coffee, studying and interacting with my dog. I’m am generally content these days but I still sometimes get the thoughts. Now I will often stop and ask myself if that is what I really want and generally the answer is no. I rarely get into a position these days where I engage seriously with those kind of thoughts and I’m far more content as a result. But that wasn’t always the case. It’s taken a lot of therapy and mindfulness to get to the point I am at now. Mindfulness is great for learning to acknowledge the thoughts but then let them go without engaging.

And welcome to the forums 🙂

[Red28]

Thank you for sharing @Ainjoule I really appreciate your openess and am glad you are doing better

[Asgard]

Hi @Red28 

Welcome to the Forums and congrats on your first post.  The first post is always the hardest, but you've done it.  I know the feeling of what you are going through, I was in the same position last year, and yes sometimes it pokes its head up and catches me unawares.  But am so glad that you said in your post 'that deep down I don't want to'.  That to me tells me that you are in control of your emotions and feelings, yes I know, they can be shaky at times, but you know yourself.    Thinking of you........Asgard

[Red28]

Hi Asgard thank you for your kind words