Dear @Zoe7 @Maggie @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @outlander @Starta @Peri @Former-Member @BlueBay @Appleblossom @Sophia1 @greenpea @Former-Member
Hubby had his appointment with his psychiatrist yesterday. He's had his ADs increased again. I always feel like I'm imposing when I go in to hubby's psych appointments. I sit in the waiting room to allow him to go in on his own, but he calls me in anyway. I think he is just not confident these days of remembering things, so he likes me in there. But if it were me, I'd not like someone coming in with me when I visited my psych. Hubby has definitely changed in that regard over the past year. There is no way he'd ever have had me go in with him for any appointment before. But now, he asks me to go in with him for all appointments, no matter who they are with. I guess I understand it for oncologists, neurologists, GPs, etc ... I am his carer after all. But I do think psych's are a little different. At least I like this latest psychiatrist of his. The psych he had until last year (he retired) was totally crazy! I could hear him ranting and raving from the waiting room. He was always kinda scary to me really.
Hubby was feeling particularly unwell last night, a raging headache and severe vertigo. To the extent that he had another fall. I asked him to sit and not move around. Which he tried to do, but when he had to get up to go to the toilet overnight, he fell backwards and hurt his back. Nothing major thankfully, but just makes him feel that much more vulnerable. I woke him up for a late breakfast a while ago, so he could take his assorted pills. But he's now gone back to bed again. We see his neurologist tomorrow so we will discuss whether it's likely to be to do with his Parkinson's Disease or associated medication, or whether something else is in play here. He is due for more scans to monitor his cancer next month. Hoping it's nothing to do with that, as he was in remission.
I said last week that I've lapsed into self destruct mode. That's still the case, and I have turned to alcohol lately in an effort to stem the bad feelings. When hubby goes to bed at night, I sit up and have a few drinks in the hope I can settle myself and with some luck even get some sleep. I might add that it's not helping, and in fact is likely making things worse. I'm just so desperate to not have to think .. about anything. I want oblivion ... but cannot find it, not even in the bottom of a scotch bottle.
I managed to make it to my pilates class on Monday and fulfilled my volunteer role at the nursing home on Wednesday. I think I'm doing okay with that. So why am I not feeling better than I am? I'm constantly very restless, fidgety and feeling unsettled. I don't seem able to shake these feelings. I know a lack of sleep is not helping. And yeah ... I know turning to alcohol is not helping either. I feel that I'm perhaps my own worst enemy in that regard. But at the moment, I cannot seem to make myself care.
I appreciate all your comments regarding the friend I had from when we worked together as volunteers elsewhere. He sent me a lovely email earlier this week, telling me that he will always be there for me, I just have to email him back ... any time. He is a good man, and I appreciate his email. But I'm not ready to go there yet, not when I'm feeling as bad as I am. The reasons for backing off from the friendship in the first place, still exist. I have nothing to offer in return. I'm an empty vessel, someone trying to cling to a will to live. I fear that I'm a major drain on others around me, so I prefer to retreat to my safe place .. alone. But at least he has let me know that this bridge can be mended. He knows me well enough not to push the issue, but just gently let me know that when I'm ready .. he's still there. It's reassuring in a way.
The thing is, if I'm feeling this bad now ... I hate to think how I'll be next month ... February/March is traditionally my worst and most triggering time of year ... anniversary time. 29th February ... forever printed in my head and my memories. I should be thankful the actual date only comes around every 4 years. This year is not one of them .. so I should be celebrating.
I finally bit the bullet Monday and phoned to make an appointment with a GP for 2 weeks time. Not my regular GP, it's a female registrar at the same practice. That was the soonest I could get in with anyone, either GP or nurse. This registrar will be leaving soon, as her 6 months stint is almost up. But that doesn't matter, I only need a pap smear done and perhaps some blood tests to check the possibility of Rheumatoid Arthritis. If I have time, I may also discuss the fact that my dizziness has not improved. 2 weeks is still a long way off though, so I'm resisting the temptation to cancel before then. Now I'm worried about taking this sedative (benzo) medication beforehand. I'm not sure how long before my apt that I need to take it. Not sure if I can drive while under the influence of it, or how long it may last. Never having used it before I don't know how I will react to it. Worry ... worry ... there's always something isn't there?
Sigh ...........
Sherry 🌸🤗💜💕
