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08-11-2016 07:46 AM
08-11-2016 07:46 AM
Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
Hi guys. Need a bit of guidance. My 48 y.o daughter has recently started drinking heavily. I am in recovery from alcoholism. I do have a bf, he lives interstate, daughter has never met him, but used to email him for guidance when I was sick. I suffered severe depression following a suicide attempt that nearly claimed me. My daughter has become friendly with a female she works with who is older than her. She has recently started emailing my bf trying to force this female on him. He has been ignoring her, trying to be pleasant. Daughter and friend arrived at my home yesterday, drunk. They both took extreme pleasure in informing me that friend of daughters is planning to get together with my bf after Christmas. I realize she is lying, but that doesn't help. Daughter is going to N.Z for Christmas, originally she was going with her hubby, he has left her, so this new friend is taking his place. Bf is aware of all this, I think he realizes how this has hurt me. He keeps advising me to ignore, but it's hard to ignore when it's your kid. My son also now knows, initially I wasn't going to say anything to him. After yesterday, I had no choice. My son basically advised to ignore, DIL said similar. I am trying to, but this hurts as my daughter is lashing out to hurt me as I hurt her when I was drinking. I have no doubts of my bf's sincereity, but what to do, how to deal with this. I suggested to my son that perhaps if my bf told her exactly where we stand as a couple, son reckons that could add fuel. Son seems to think, no matter what bf or anyone says she will turn it round and it will backlash on me. Thier father is dead, he died when daughter was 6, son was 2. Bf is aware there is no father. My ex would be useless. None of my kids liked him, so they wouldnt talk to him. He would also no doubt label my daughter, this she doesn't need. I know she needs help, but like most peopel who suffer depression/alcoholism or any other MI, till she asks for help, she won't accept she needs it. Help
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08-11-2016 04:13 PM
08-11-2016 04:13 PM
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
Hello @pip
I lost my father young like your daughter and can identify with her on some grounds, but have never been a drinker. You are being very thoughtful and understanding about this, but I believe you need to a draw a very clear line about abusive behaviour. I am looking forward to the forum boundary night on Tues 22nd Nov.
This could be in all of your best interests. Fess up as I guess you already have about your lashing out and make some amends. However to allow it to become a point where she feels justified in abusing you in endless retaliation, whether it be by undermining relationships or whatever .. will probably have longterm bad effects for her and everyone associated with both of you.
My tuppence worth is:
Say Sorry, Tell her you love her. Call a truce ... Defend yourself .. Tell her you are well defended .. and will drop the walls if she genuinely wants a good relationship with you, but zero tolerance here on in for manipulative behaviour with relationships which can be even more destructive as straight out violence or abuse.
Mind you I have tried this with my daughter and she has cut me off. It is sad as my poor daughter was used as the weapon to deliver pain to me in the family feuds. As I barely escaped with my life I felt had no choice.
We cant control them nor should they control us .. I have tried submitting and letting people do that to me to keep bein in relationship .. but it is not worth it.
It seems trinities can be productive but triangles torturous.
Take care. Congrats on staying off the grog.
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08-11-2016 05:47 PM
08-11-2016 05:47 PM
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
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08-11-2016 06:59 PM
08-11-2016 06:59 PM
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
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08-11-2016 08:07 PM
08-11-2016 08:07 PM
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
Sounds like you are very wise. Take care. I didnt realise the older friend was running it. Intensities between mother and daughter are not something to mess with.
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08-11-2016 10:44 PM
08-11-2016 10:44 PM
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
As to your daughter. If she has been drinking - you have the right to ban her from your house. And I think it may be necessary when you have only been dry for a year.
It doesn't matter what may have gone on in your relationship with your children in the past - your daughter has no right to disrespect you in your own home. Nor does she have the right to let a 'friend' treat you with disrespect.
Next time she shows up drunk. Tell her she can't come in because she is drunk. And then let her know you would be happy for her to come around when she hasn't been drinking.
An addict or not - she still needs boundaries - & you need to put your mental health first.
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09-11-2016 07:39 AM
09-11-2016 07:39 AM
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
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09-11-2016 08:23 AM
09-11-2016 08:23 AM
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
And it must have been good to hear your son and dil say your daughters behavior was not right. And have yiur dil - confirm your feelings were normal.
No there is no reasoning witb someone drunk.
I hang up on my sister often when she drunk calls. She knows I won't put up with it. So it rarely happens now.
Your daughter will learn. And when she's ready - she will need your help with her MI & drinking. Until then, look after yourself. You need to build up your strength for when that time comez.
Well done.
I hope your day goes well today. Think you deserve a treat.
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09-11-2016 08:46 AM
09-11-2016 08:46 AM
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
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09-11-2016 10:07 AM
09-11-2016 10:07 AM
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
Hang up if she calls.
Close the door on her if she shows up drunk.
You come first.