Lived Experience Forum

[Tbo]

I'm a 40ish year old guy with BPD as well as some other Cluster C comorbidities, trying my hand at normal dating at the moment, have a lady I like a lot and we're kinda steady, but the stress is killing me.

The constant anxiety and anguish, does she like me? why hasn't she texted back? am I too needy? what if she thinks I'm too needy? how long until I can ask her out again? when will she ask me back to her place again? when will she get sick of me? what if I reveal too much about myself and it drivers her away? what if I don't reveal enough and I bore her?

Sometimes I just want to break it off because the uncertainty and stress is SO unbearable, none of the negative things about it are anything she does I don't think, its just my own head constantly gnawing at me. I'm so embarrassed to still be like this, to not be able to cope with what should be a wonderful experience. 

Im scared to talk about it with her, it will drive her away, but playing it cool feels disingenuine and it tortures me.... Guess I just wanted to say this "out loud" somewhere... beats crying on the couch, I'm too old for this shit.

[NoLongerATree]

The source of anguish is often the only thing that gives value to entertainment, whatever the medium. Ask her to ask you questions, it'll let her know you want to be known, whilst also giving her the opportunity to let you know how much she wants to know. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Tbo, welcome to the forums and I'm really glad you've reached out for support.

The amount of anxiety you're currently living with sounds like a lot to bear. Though I don't have lived experience of BPD, I have lived with a severe anxiety disorder which really impacted my dating life, so maybe I can begin to understand.

I'm going to tag @BPDSurvivor, though, who might be able to provide a more valuable response for you given they have lived experience of BPD and recovery.

Take care 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Tbo ,

It's great you are aware of all these issues and can articulate them in writing. This is one of the first steps. Your very thoughts used to be my daily struggles - with ANYONE close. I was diagnosed with BPD about 15 years ago, and have come a long way since.

I was getting tormented with these 'what', 'if', 'but' scenarios constantly, as you say, "gnawing" in my head. I became so depressed because I couldn't get anything "right".

It was then that I went through 18 months of intense mentalisation-based therapy. It has been amazing since. All these doubts I was having were no longer doubts because I was taught and practised the skill of 'mentalising'. In other words, all these thoughts you are having are valid. It is NOW about articulating them to her so that it brings down barriers.

This sounds difficult because you may feel "embarrassed". But you know what? We THINK it is embarrassing, but to the listener, it shows you are honest and a real human. Your thoughts, ideas, questions, insecurities makes you a real person - not a fake social media person who posts only the highlights. For example, some of your questions include "when should I call her?", "am I calling too much?" Etc. Guess what, if someone now asked me, "when should I call you so I can make sure I'm not calling too much or not enough?" I would NOT find it weird or embarrassing. It is like a big hurdle to someone with BPD, but it sounds totally normal to others.

Communication is key to any relationship, let alone for pwBPD. If you want a relationship to work, I believe it is about showing your weaknesses as well as strengths.

Another important ingredient to BPD relationships are boundaries. They can either be spoken or internalised boundaries. For example, spoken boundaries (directed to others) include "I can't answer you while I am working, but I will call you as soon as I'm done at 5pm". Unspoken boundaries (directed to self) for me include "I will only contact XYZ before 8pm at night because they may be asleep". This helps keep us from the tendency to leech or push someone away.

Hope this helps. It's helped me a lot.

Anytime you are free, come check out our BPD community here at Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script .

Please feel free to ask any questions. 

Cheers, BPDSurvivor

@Former-Member , thanks for tagging me!

[Tbo]

Thank you for this.  Last night after I wrote my post, she, sensing something was wrong called me and we talked about it. I told her I was BPD and what I had been going through and she was very supportive, had travelled a similarly rocky path and understood, it was such a relief. She was appreciative that I shared with her and I feel much better. I know things will turn around again and something else will send me crashing, but hopefully not too soon and I will just enjoy the high while it lasts and try to build enough trust and a foundation of honest communication that will make it easier.

I will check out the community too, thank you everyone for the replies and support it has been very helpful.
 

[BPDSurvivor]

Fantastic @Tbo . It's an awesome start.

The BPD community forum is great for you to practise writing down some of the things you'd probably like to say out loud but feel too 'embarrassed'. By all means, test it out here on the forums (esp in Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script ) since we are anonymous and you'd probably be surprised that what you think or say is not as embarrassing as you think (within forum guidelines of course). 

Another point is when you said you were BPD, have you considered looking at it from another angle? Perhaps you may have traits of BPD, but innately, you are perhaps a highly caring, passionate person. Please don't let a BPD make you walk around saying "I am BPD". You may have challenges that come with BPD, but don't let it define you. You have many strengths which I have also shared in our BPD community thread.

I also want you to know that if you can ride out the waves of BPD, the journey is totally worthwhile. I never for one minute wish I didn't have BPD. I have learnt so much and met some of the most genuine and awesome people. I would not turn back the clock for anything.

Dear @Tbo , enjoy the journey, and let your friend be a part of it.

Cheers,

BPDSurvivor

@Former-Member @NoLongerATree 

[Former-Member]

@Tbo that's so great to hear you spoke honestly with her and that she was understanding! It sounds like that was very reassuring. 

Honest communication and trust are indeed great foundations for a relationship- between these good values and an ability to reach out for help when needed, I'm optimistic for you 😊