I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. I use T/W but I’ve had some put into spoiler boxes after. So just thought it’d be good if I could do it myself. 

I tried the dropping anchor and came up with nothing. I didn’t feel anything, it’s like I’m numb to everything. ( I don’t think that makes sense) I think I’m doing it wrong. Or putting too much pressure on myself. 

Its 0.7 degrees here so as soon as I came home I had a hot shower! Does that count as self care or self preservation? 

This numb feeling has gotten to me. It’s uncomfortable and I don’t like it. I’d rather feel something. 

I still have passive SI thoughts and extreme SH thoughts. 

[tyme]

Yikes! That's cold! I can feel the cold in my bones! LOL.. the hot shower can be both self care and self preservation! I can't have too many hot showers because it dries out my skin, and I heard that Vic dams are the lowest they've been in a LONG time... so I have to be careful not to have too many showers a day!

I'd LOVE to be under a hot hot shower, but instead, I'm rugged up in an oodie and beanie. Ruby is sitting right next to me. She's got her own miniature armchair. @Captain24 

Are you a 'socks' person? Even though it's so cold, I've got bare feet. I don't like socks.

[Captain24]

If that’s the temperature now what’s it going to be like in the morning!! @tyme 

My skin is red and itchy! I like my showers hot. 

That’s a bigger. I’m lucky to have one shower a day so I’m not using much water. We have plenty of water here. We have 2 massive dams near us. 

Miniature arm chair sounds cute! My two are lying in a bed each with a blanket on the bed that they have snuggled into. 

I live in of boots. I wear them everywhere. The supermarket and everything. I love them. 

Do you ‘get’ the numb feeling? Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Or is it self preservation? 

[tyme]

Nice 🙂 Boots sound good. I was in boots today when I was out, but at home, bare feet is best 🙂

Numb? Absolutely I did in the past. I was like the walking dead. I felt I was always numb. I was existing but not living so as a way to manage the emotional pain, I disconnected with life.

I can't believe I was in that state for years.

So yes, i have felt that before. I think it takes a lot of perseverance to get yourself out of that state so your brain stops reverting back to it... idk

@Captain24 

[Captain24]

That was suppose to be UGG boots! Oops @tyme 

I get the feeling of just existing. That’s all I’m doing. It’s not a life. So I have to work even harder? I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m drained. I can’t take anymore. I’m trying the best I can. It’s hard

[tyme]

I love my UGG boots, but as soon as I sit down, I want them off my feet lol.

As for life itself, I honestly don't think it's about trying harder. If anything, it's about trying something different. @Captain24 

For me, I found that when I stopped trying so hard, things started falling into place and I developed the skills I needed to 'change my brain'

[Captain24]

I’m learning different things and trying them @tyme plus I feel like if I dont try hard you will think I’m not recovery focussed

I feel as though if I don’t try hard I’m failing. But it’s ironic cause I’m failing anyway. 

I google SAD. I didn’t realise what I feel is an actual thing. I thought it was normal. I tick all the boxes. 

[tyme]

We've got a few members who have reported the experience SAD @Captain24 

I haven't really delved into it much, but I can see it can be debilitating and seriously affect functioning.

I'm looking forward to the day you can look back and see what tremendous growth there have been

[Captain24]

I always say that I don’t function in winter @tyme. All I want to do is be in bed. I struggle to get out of it. The days before I went back to work I was in bed every afternoon. Mostly I just sleep or sit on the lounge. I didn’t bath the dogs. I didn’t mow the lawn. I didn’t do anything other than clean my house. I don’t even want to go outside at all. Work is hard to get to. I just want to go to bed and not get up. I don’t see any enjoyment in the cold. I eat lots of shit to try and feel better. I’ve been having the munchies and thought that it was the med but I haven’t had that side effect. 

I do think that I will get there in the end. But it’s hard to see that hope when everything is so hard. There has been so much growth but no improvement. 

[Captain24]

I don’t think you check your notifications @tyme but I’m going to write anyway. 

I just journaled about the SAD thing. I wasn’t very nice to myself. My last line was ‘I’m not normal, I’m even more of a loser than I thought’

As much as I mean it, it hurt a lot. It hurt that there is another thing to add to the list. This journey keeps knocking me down every step I take. 

Right now I’m hating myself and hating life. 

Sorry.. not recovery focused but I’m seeing recovery slip further away. It’s ok to ban me if you need to.