I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I don’t know if you know the snow that falls in the blue mountains but what we get on the surrounds of town is similar but not as much. @rav3n Mum had never seen snow so we went and looked at it once and it was still snowing. It is really pretty. One town I lived in it use to snow and I’d get up in the morning and all you could see out the front on the vacant land was white snow. Getting snow off your windscreen is a lot easier than frost! We use to have to unload the trucks with snow falling on us. 

Snowboarding sounds like fun but I’m too old now and can’t stand the thought of being cold and wet. 

Im glad getting out helped. Soon it’ll be way too cold. It was here today what I saw of the day. 

Bob was so cute. If I had work clothes on he would just got to the bathroom for me to lock him up. If I had pyjamas or other clothes on he wouldn’t go in! They are clever. 

Im home and in a world of hurt. But I’m trying stuff, it’s not working but at least I'm trying. 

I haven’t done anything crafty for a while, just Lego. I haven’t been able to do it. It doesn’t feel enjoyable, well nothing does right now. 

[tyme]

Socialised out? @Captain24 

I had fish and chips uber'd today. My phone reception wasn't working, so a mate ordered it.

Now, I'm sitting under the heater. I'm sitting in an oodie and writing a report.

What'd you do today in that you had to socialise so much?

[Captain24]

Totally… I’m in a world of pain right now @tyme. It was too much and to long that I had to be switched on for. It was a training day for work. Now I have to go to work for the next 3 days so I don’t get a recovery day. 

That was good of your mate. You never talk about anyone other than your sis and kids. 

It was a little chilly here this morning. -4.5 felt like -8.5! So no sunshine for me but I didn’t have anytime anyway. The training started at 7:30. 

[tyme]

Sounds soooo draining! What is physical or just mental? @Captain24 

[Captain24]

It’s just mental. It’s really boring but I was stuck in a room with 60 people and had to mask all day. @tyme 

We talked about some stuff that was triggering. I’m sure no one else was triggered as it didn’t seem it on the outside. But underneath was. 

I msg’d my psych on Tuesday night to make an appointment for this coming Tuesday. I told her I was calling in sick. She sent me an amazing email back. She told me that it was good for me to see how depleted I am and to acknowledge that I need a break. It’s amazing. I may have shed a tear or two reading it. At the end she told me to reread it as much as I need too. 

[tyme]

Awwww. That sounds so lovely of your psych @Captain24 .

I'm so far removed from how clinicians and psychs can just email their clients. We were never allowed to do that before... unless in my head I 'wasn't allowed'? I'm not sure. It just seems so odd that they even respond!

[Captain24]

I only email if I want to make an extra appointment. She hasn’t even emailed me back before other than appointment time @tyme. So this is a first. She knows how bad we left the last appointment 

[tyme]

I'm glad she was responsive @Captain24 .

So where to from here? What do you feel the next steps are to help you move forward?

(It's totally okay if you don't know).

[Captain24]

I really don’t know @tyme. She used the word ‘depleted’ and that’s exactly how I feel. 

I have to focus on work for the next 3 days and one night. I just have to get through until 2 on Tuesday. I have her email to reread. I wish I could send it to you. 

We opened up a box that I’ve kept closed and there is so much spilling out. I’m scared to say it all as it will leave me so exposed and I’m scared she will judge me and see me differently. I’m not the person I use to be. 

You would be ashamed of me. 

Holding it in is hurting. 

[tyme]

I hear how hard this is @Captain24 .

Honestly, the therapeutic work requires some risk taking. And you have started that process. In order to help others, you need to go through that therapeutic work yourself. It takes time and it can be challenging. But if it makes a difference in the long run, then it's worth it.

So proud if you. I can certainly relate to the term 'depleted'. It's so strange that I've now swung the other way so I feel I'm bursting at the seams all the time - maybe it's my BPD - all or nothing.

What are you up to tonight? Watching something?