I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I know! It’s a long time. @tyme. It will slow down to spotting, I’m guessing right now I can’t use tampons so I’m using pads and I hate them. I’ve got three months of them to use. I feel disgusting. 

No time period. Just that I’m good to go back to work next week. So I don’t know, I’m guessing it shouldn’t be long. 

That’s so cool. You love spoiling them! 

Hahaha she’s just the cutest. That’s pretty cool though. Saying that way will stick with the rest of you! 

[tyme]

Ewww.... tampons, pads, period undies... erghhhhh.... why do we have to go through this?

I hope tomorrow won't be too painful for you. Then again, I remember with procedures, for me, it was pain pain pain.. then one day, you wake up with no pain. Voila!

My brain is slowing down now. I'm going to start wrapping up so if I 'disappear'. That's why! @Captain24 

Take care!

[Captain24]

I know… it’s shit ay! We go through a lot @tyme 

Im hoping that happens.. no pain tomorrow! They said my sore throat should feel heaps better tomorrow too. 

I hope you rest well tonight and look after yourself. 

Good night

[tyme]

Thanks @Captain24 

Thinking of you and will see you next time. Look after yourself

[AuntGlow]

That's amazing!! Great work. @Captain24 

Hmm, I hope that she surprises you. 💛

Thank you! The next one is due very soon... in about a week. 😅

I hope you get some rest tonight and I will chat to you more tomorrow. ✨

[Captain24]

I’m still in some pain. It feels like constant period pain. However with period pain it doesn’t last this long for me. I have to admit it isn’t as bad as yesterday though. My throat has also cleared up so that’s something. 

I’ve finished a Lego kit and I’m starting another one. It’s a big one so should take me a fair while. 

Im feeling really low though. I’m in avoidance mode. I have an app that I need to set up for work. But just don’t have it in me. I need to call and make a follow up appointment with the Gyno but just don’t want to talk to anyone. 

I’ve got big blow flys flying around my house and the sound is really getting to me. 

Jett keeps barking and it’s really overstimulating me too. 

I had a good nights sleep. Fed the dogs and went back to bed until 11. 

Im doing all the right things and just failing. I just keep getting lower. It’s all too much right now. It feels like life is just one big struggle. Why??? I’m doing all the things I’m meant to be doing. I’m eating and eating properly, that’s huge in its self. I just want to scream and yell. I’m angry that I’m feeling like this when I just shouldn’t be. 

What am I doing wrong to cause the failure? 

[Ru-bee]

hey @Captain24 I'm so sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. 

I think considering that it's very understandable that you're struggling to find the motivation for other tasks, and that you are feeling sensitive to the sounds of the blowflies and Jett's barking - both are things that I absolutely relate to by the way, I get blowflies in the house all time when I'm letting Toby in and out and the sounds they make are so extremely irritating that they've pushed me over the edge in times when I'm already a bit stressed. Same with the barking, I always try to be patient but sometimes it's just too much. And these are times when I'm not dealing with the pain that you are right now. What you're feeling right now is very human and completely understandable. 

Being in pain sucks and it makes everything else worse.

It's awesome that you're still able to eat well during this, that's a big win!

[Captain24]

I’m hoping it’s the pain @Ru-bee. I’m just having really destructive thoughts. Im not coping. 

I tried to set up the work app and I’m too stupid to be able to do it. That’s no surprise. I’m just going to look like an idiot that I can’t do it. 

I tried calling to get a follow up appointment and the receptionist isn’t there. It took so much for me to call and now I’m being a bother by her having to ring me back. I’m just a nuisance and a burden to everyone.

Content/trigger warning

I just want to go back to be and forget that I exist. I done really want to exist anymore.

 No bed though as I have to wait for the call. I bet they can only make it in a work day and that will annoy me as it’s a 15 minute Telehealth appointment for a whole day off. Maybe I’m just thinking negatively ahead. I don’t know. Nothing seems to work out. 

Sorry for the doom and gloom but that’s all I’ve got at the moment. 

Just somewhere to get it out. 

[Ru-bee]

I think that right now with everything that going on that it's really easy to latch on to the negatives @Captain24 until that's all that you're able to see right now. It's understandable and it happens to all of us, and I'm hearing that you just need a place to voice it. Sometimes getting it out can be helpful, and I'm glad that you feel safe to do that here. We have just added a trigger warning to one sentence, nothing that you've said was wrong, it's just in case others members read without context and worry.

I know it's hard to see any good right now so I hope you don't mind me pointing out what I'm seeing:

1. You actually put in the effort to try to set up that work app even though you did not have the energy to - also setting up apps aren't straightforward most of the time and can be very confusing so it's no reflection on your intelligence 

2. You made that call even though you didn't feel up to speaking to anyone

Those are two things that you didn't want to do today but you've given them both a go and that's not easy when you're not feeling good physically and mentally

[Captain24]

I guess it’s understandable @Ru-bee just doesn’t make it feel any easier. All I’ve got is the negatives. It hurts. I’ve been working so hard on myself just to fail. I really just want to be well and maintain it. I really need to talk to someone but I don’t have anyone. Here is all I’ve got and I’m am scared of saying the wrong thing, like I obviously did. 

They rang back and the appointment is when I’m suppose to be sleeping for nightshift! Of course it couldn’t work out. They can’t even give me a time. Anywhere from 2pm onwards. How are people suppose to work with that sort of stuff. It’s easy for them they are actually working. I have a job that I need. I couldn’t have had that surgery done without a job as it was private and I needed health insurance. Sorry.. I’m just so frustrated with everything.

I guess I did try the app but I feel stupid. I can’t figure it out. Maybe I need to put the email on my laptop and use it to go through on my phone. It sounds easier but getting the laptop out is just too hard. I don’t have the energy for it. 

I had to make that call as they are out of the office tomorrow and are actually here in town. It was hard and I should give myself some credit in both accounts. 

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and feel sorry for myself. I won’t let myself cry though. There is much more that I’m thinking that I want to add but that will just get me into trouble. I can’t handle any more trouble.