Borderline Personality Disorder tips for family and friends

[Repunzel63]

My heart goes out to you as I have been dealing with similar stuff for the last 4 yrs which isnt a patch on what you are dealing with. My daugher was told she had BPD when she was 14. The psychiatrist would not diagnose it though saying that he couldnt until she turned 18. Reason given was that many of the behaviours could be attributed to normal adolescant behaviour. I found out later that this was wrong. 

I did what any parent would do and read any information I could get my hands on. The problem is that the disorder was only discovered in the last 25 years. When my daughter was first told she had it I found that there were many professionals who had incorrect information about it and some even didnt believe it existed and that it was just a title for something that they didnt know what it was or just normal naughty teenagers. Services are improving but slowly.

Medication alone cannot cure BPD. It isnt curable but with good treatment can be managed. Medication can only help for some symptoms like anxiety or depression. But this can be problematic because in my daughter's situation she will misuse her medication for self harming purposes when experiencing a panic attack. So she is now on staged medication so can only pick up a weeks worth at a time which is not always possible because she sometimes cannot get out of bed. She decided to self medicate on weed instead which has made things worse for her financially and mentally. She is now 18 and living in student accommodation. She is 2 months in arrears for her rent and her centrelink was cancelled. I spoke to her current psychologist in desperation of what to do and was told that the changes have to come from her. I cant force her to do the things she needs to do. Unfortunately she needs to hit rock bottom before she realises she cannot be rescued by anyone but herself. Hard Yakka really especially as a parent. So I can only imagine what you are going through!

[Repunzel63]

Hi Isabella,

I found your post to be a brilliant insight. I have been reading profusely about BPD in order to manage and deal with my now 18 yr old daughter who is a sufferer. The has been a work in progress. In hindsight I did all the wrong things but understanding what shei is going through really helps. The major thing I have learnt and your post confirms this is that she is the only one who can manage her condition. I find myself becoming a broken record continuously telling her that I cannot rescue her and that she needs to talk to her psychologist and treati!ng professionals of which their have been many. It sounds like you have found a really good one. Good luck and thanks again for the insight!

[Altogether]

Hi @isabella,

I know I'm new here and coming in late to this, but I just want to say how much I admire people like yourself. Honestly. Being so proactive with your own health and diagnosis, learning as much as you can, being honest with yourself and trying to know what you can and can't do and what your positives and negatives are. 
I agree that it's so important to learn about BPD, especially if you are in a relationship with someone suffering. But Isabella, the fact that you are trying and learning and wanting to manage it, is amazing. Well done. 

I know a mum with BPD who is also amazing like you. Her husband and kids are fully educated, they have a plans in place for when things aren't so great and again, she wants to manage it. 

Another person in our lives unfortunately, doesn't want to know about it, hasn't educated her children and despite over a dozen, two week hospitalisations in three years, continues to deny, blame and leave a trail of destruction in her path. Of which we deal with the fallout.

I see the affects of that and then I hear stories like yours and that's why I think you're amazing! Have you read the blog, 'the messy art of living'?  I found it very honest and quite inspiring from a person with BPD and other things. 

We have so much help at our fingertips these days and I know it's hard, but I love hearing from people who are at that point where they want to accept help. 

Sorry to ramble!! x

[SarahKate]

The link to the BPD pamphlet is broken

[NikNik]

Hi @SarahKate

Here is a new link to the pamphlet

Hope you find it helpful

Nik

[Love]

Hi, is your group therapy coarse online? Could you please recommend some books for me to buy. My daughter is 16 years of age she has anxiety, depression and a traumatised personality, is that the same as what you are talking about?

[Amber1]

When your child is an adult too it is really hard. He agreed the best way was to live elsewhere and visit his brother and me. But during this latest episode he has gambled most of his savings away! Cannot afford to book anywhere now. He is fifo so only home for a week or 2. Due to him being so bad his psych has given him medical certificates. He sneaks alcohol into the house and drinks excessively and I had told him I didn't want any drinking as it leads to aggression and personality changes. Then it's impossible to talk rationally.The complexities of BPD are endless and I'm only just learning about it. I am totally overwhelmed and frantic about the future. I am not giving him money, he has to know the consequences of what he has done....psych's advice too. Not a kid now.

[Debbie]

It is defnitely impossible to separate yourself when it is a child. I have 3 children. My eldest daughter has BPD. At age 14 she got depression, started cutting and numerous overdoses everytime her boyfriend would break up with her. It was 3 years of hell. At about 17.5 years of age she started to come out of it. She has to be on medication or she has a total melt down. She has started to grow up and calmed down quite a bit . She was never aggressive though towards me. She has a long term boyfriend which has made a difference. He is also quite needy and was homeless for a few years with no family support. I think the fact that they are both so needy that they fit each other like a glove.

Then last year I noticed a big change in my 13 yr old boy.  He was depressed, reclusive and has become angrier by the month. He relies on the internet for support and has not many real life friends. We have had two visits to stepping stones and numerous police and pacer visits (Victorian based). He demanded internet up to 4am every night. When we wouldn't give him this he upped the anti.  I thought internet on a school night to 11pm was reasonable. He has been placed in foster care for the last two weeks after making false accusations.  He has been asking to be placed in DHS care since January this year as he hates us so much.  It does feel like a hate/love relationship. He disconnects from all pyschologists and has a very angry personality with very concrete, black & white views.  He is never wrong, everybody else is.  I thought going through the first 3 years with my daughter was bad enough but at least she was very loving.  This time it has torn our family apart. I can only hope that in time he will come back to us and maybe change  some of his delusional thoughts. He doesn't trust anyone and everyone is ditching him. He can apparently fix himself. They did diagnose him with BPD as well. I can only think it must be something genetic.  I just let him know I love him and am here for him if he wants to make contact.

[Amber1]

I have just completed a BPD 12 week carer's course here in WA. It has been invaluable and my 30 yr old son is now attending a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy course.....the only therapy which can help BPD sufferers. Medication never helped my son who has only been diagnosed since Dec 2015. Clinical depression, bi polar disorder were discussed but I always wondered why the meds never seemed to improve his emotional dis regulation especially in his relationship breakdowns which triggered self harm as well as violent outbursts and constant drinking. Yes police have been called so many times I've lost count! The DBT gives him strategies which he's using and there has been such a change in him......must remember there is no cure but there is recovery. As hard it is, support from family is so important but it is consuming and I've been sucked dry. Learning how to validate his feelings and listen has helped me diffuse the latest triggers. Hang in there...you are not alone.

Amber 1

[Former-Member]

Wow, didn't know they had courses for bpd for carers. What a step fwd. We all need to be validated but bpd its critical. He's so lucky to have you.