Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jenny88]

Hi! This is my first post. I'm not sure if i've put it in the right place...

I'll try and make the back story as short as I can, because it's relevant but is also long.

My father passed away in 2015 after being sick for 6 years with a rare auto immune disease. We tried our best to keep him at home but we ended up having to place him in a home as he kept ending up in hospital with pneumonia. His illness was terminal and it caused seizures with alot of confusion which was similar to dementia. While he was unwell, we lost my grandfather (on my mother's side) and my grandma went into depression and ended up dying not long after my father.

Towards the end of my father's life  my mum had met a man (I understand alot of people would think this was wrong but he provided help and comfort for mum and dad wasn't getting any better, unfortunately so I understand why she did it).

Their relationship was secret, and therefore, when this man died noone knew to tell my mum. She found out when she happened to be at the same place they were holding his wake.

As you can see, she has experienced alot of trauma with losing close family members all around the same time. When dad got sick, mum and I started drinking. I more so than her at the time. I ended up moving a few hours away for better work and visited alot. I got some help with seeing counsellors and met my now fiance. 

One day I received a call from my cousin who had come to mow the lawn and he said that mum wasn't well. She wasn't really coherent and he called the ambulance. They told me she had a grand mal seizure and my partner and I rushed back home. This was during covid so I was already working remotely and we made the decision to stay with her to keep an eye on her and i could keep ny job working remotely. She was diagnosed with late on set epilepsy, put on seizure medication and told not to drink... 

We have 2 separate dwellings so my partner and I live in one house and mum has her own space in the other. I also co own the property with my mum.

We've been back for 4 years and it's been an on and off nightmare. I'm an only child and haven't really been able to get any help from any of my living relatives. There's only my aunt and that's a whole other story.

We've recently had a little girl, she's 1.5 years old. I work full time and my partner works shift work.

I've been organising all appointments and driving mum to them. Picking her up from the club when she goes to see her friends and everything is starting to get too much. I did try to organise to buy a car for mum but she fought me really hard about it and told me I was causing her anxiety. We also have no public transport where we are and are 15kms from town.

Recently, I spoke to a caring agency about getting some help. I thought we could organise a driver and maybe someone to help her clean (she's a hoarder and also has mice living in her house because she refuses to get rid of them. She can't handle the smell of dead bodies). 

One time she was in hospital, I cleaned her house threw out some rusty pots and pans and I'm still getting yelled at for it.

So I thought a bit of help might be a good idea. She shut me down and we got into a huge fight about it. She said she doesn't need a carer and got more help before I moved back home... she constantly guilt trips me and has never helped with her only grand child. Last week, my partner had to go away to see his unwell mother. I asked her for some help and the very next day I found her passed out on the floor from too much alcohol. She couldn't get up and I had my baby and I had no choice but to call the ambulance. They ended up keeping her in over night where she spoke in her sleep saying she wanted to die.

It's not the first time we've found her passed out on the ground due to drinking too much but it's the first time i've called the ambulance.

I've spoken to her Dr, they said I can't do anything unless she wants help. I've spoken to a solicitor because I have power of attorney. I can't use that unless she is completely incable of decisions. So I've run out of options.

I've been to counselling because I don't know how to handle it and I keep being told that I can't do anything... I feel like I'm just waiting to find her dead in her house.

After she refused to talk with the carer and threw my years of helping back in my face, I told her that she can organise it all herself then. But I feel terrible. She refuses to get any help. She's seen a counsellor once and thinks she helped them more than they helped her.

After this, she came over drunk and started crying to my partner. We've recently applied to refinance for some minor renovations and she needed her marriage certificate. She said that looking at her certificate caused her so much grief, that she went off the rails...

I'm sorry for the long post. I've tried to keep it as short as I can and have left out ALOT (mum coming over at 7am hammered because she's been drinking since 4am is a regular occurrence. Her meeting my inlaws for the first time and she was drunk) but I'm so burnt out and I'm wondering if there are other resources out there that I haven't thought of... she's a shell of the woman I used to know and I feel like I'm grieving the death of someone who is still alive

I'm just not sure how I can help myself and help her... my daughter is my number 1 priority now and I can't be a carer for mum. I just don't know how to get her the support we both need...

[tyme]

I'm so sorry to hear about what has happened. I can see that your daughter is the number 1 priority in your life. 

It sounds like your carer/mother boundaries may need to be discussed with your partner as well as your mother. I hear that your mother really needs help. At the same time, I recognise that asking for help can mean the loss of independence for her.

It's hard to make changes when in a state of grief. Has she always been an alcoholic, or was it triggered by the events she endured? @Jenny88 

The fact that you called the ambulance may actually be a good thing in that she is 'on the system'. Over time, the hospital can track all the times she has needed care and may link her in with relevant services. But as they said, it's hard to help someone that doesn't want help. At the same time, the more you 'help' her, the less need there is to ask someone else for help - if you know what I mean. Would she be willing to phone someone like Griefline or Alcohol Anonymous if she were given the numbers?

In this, it's important you look after yourself and your baby. Set some boundaries for yourself in order to protect yourself. 

Please continue to reach out and let us know how you are all going.

[Jenny88]

Thank you for the reply.

I have been working on setting boundaries for a few years but then I always feel guilty because I'm the only "help" she has so I end up giving in and running her around again and organising appointments. Because without me, she doesn't go to the doctor or get relevant medication so I feel like it's my fault...

She will also keep coming over to my house and wearing me down until I give in. Once she told me I was causing her depression because I refused to drive her into town to buy a bottle.

She used to drink before i was born but the most i had seen her drink while growing up was a glass of wine every now and then. It wasn't until my dad got sick that she started. Unfortunately, she is not open at all to help. She is in denial that she has a problem. My partner said to her that he didn't want to talk to her while drunk and she said "I'm never drunk. I only have a few drinks". Her drinks are half a glass of bourbon with coke for colour on an empty stomach.

We have a deal that she comes over and gives my dogs a snack. It's so I can see she is ok. If she doesn't come over by 10am, i check on her and she's usually passed out in bed.

I had started noting down whenever she came over drunk or whenever I went to check on her and she was drunk so I think I will start calling the ambulance when she is far too intoxicated so I have a record and maybe something will come of it...

I understand it's a tricky situation..  it's very hard to help someone when they don't want help... it's also really hard to accept that I just have to let it run its course and find her gone...I really thought having my daughter might pull her out of it a bit. My psychologist said that she is too deep in her trauma...

[tyme]

It sounds like there's a lot of underlying hurt causing her to go to the bottle @Jenny88 . It's important you keep these boundaries as that is what will protect you and your family. Let her know in advance that you won't be taking her to buy a bottle (if that's what your boundary is). 

As I mentioned, the more you 'help', the less she will see the need to help herself. Sometimes it takes one to hit rock bottom before they realise or admit they need help. 

I hear how much you feel you owe it to her and hence you feel guilty, especially since you are the only child. 

When/If she is sober, I wonder if you can write down a list of things you can and can't do as part of being her carer? It may consolidate all that you have been saying to her when she sees it in black and white.

[Jenny88]

She did say that she is able bodied and doesn't need a carer. I tried to explain that it wouldn't be a full time one. Just someone to drive her places and maybe help with appointments because I'm struggling to keep up.

That's when she said she doesn't need my help if I'm struggling and she'll do it all herself.

I really want her to keep her independence and the last thing I want is for her to go into a home. She just isn't taking care of herself at all and needs more help than what I can realistically offer but she doesn't see it that way. She says she works around me but she doesn't

[Jenny88]

I guess I've set a new boundary without meaning to by saying I won't be taking her anywhere if she didn't have a meeting with the carers with me.

Monday she came over in the afternoon and said that she's organised a doctor appointment and transport to and from the appointment but also threw in there that she will now only be able to afford to leave the house once a fortnight if we didn't take her. So now I feel bad again... like I'm confining her to the house.

She missed the doctor appointment last week which was to get a medical certificate to renew her licence. She doesn't drive but still had a licence. I'm wondering now if we might be able to organise taxi vouchers to make going into town more affordable. Just once again, by we organising, I mean "me"

I think you are right about writing a letter and putting my boundaries in black and white so they're clear for both of us. 

I appreciate you saying that by me "helping" all the time, I'm enabling her... I think I really need to stick to my word and respect my own boundaries this time around

[tyme]

How are things going @Jenny88 ?

I hear it is so hard to put boundaries in for loved ones, yet as you said, bending over backwards for them may be enabling her to be that way instead. As an adult, while she's mentally able to, it's good to hand over as much responsibility to her as she can. Yes, she says she cannot go to the shops, does that mean she can't buy alcohol too? Or, is it "where there's a will, there's a way?"

Protect yourself and your baby. Enforce those boundaries and refer to them. Write them with her and explain that you have a young child now and can't be at her door every moment.

[Jenny88]

Thanks for checking in.

I'm trying to stick to my boundaries.

Today she organised a cab to a dr appointment, but then she walked nearly 4kms to the club even though we gave her the number for the bus...

I happened to be in town at the time with my daughter and did ring to see if she needed a lift but she didn't answer.

She ended up home at 4 which is alot earlier than whenever I've picked her up. She's usually never finished shopping until 5 and we're not home until 5:30 which is why I didn't want to do it anymore.

She did make me feel a little guilty because she said she won't be able to afford to go weekly if she has to pay for transport... but I offered a solution to help us both and she rejected it...

[tyme]

Hey @Jenny88 ,

So she is more capable than first thought. I sounds like she CAN do it. I know you mentioned she is 'elderly'... how old is she?

Just see how it goes. 

[Jenny88]

She's 72 this year.

She is capable when she really wants it but her priorities are a bit backwards. She doesn't look after herself at all.

We had set up the washing machine for her and have shown her how to use it many times (it's the same as her old one). But she won't wash her clothes unless I take her to the laundromat.

She's also not great with food. We were cooking her dinners with veges, however, I always found them in the fridge uneaten days later and she would share with her dogs.

It's stuff like this that makes me feel like she isn't capable of looking after her basic needs which is why I wanted a bit of help because I'm always worried about her but she thinks she doesn't need it...

It's 10am and she hasn't been over and isn't answering her phone...but I'm alone and not carrying my daughter around for hours like I did when I had to call the ambulance. I'll go and check on her when I put my baby down for a nap...

I knew this would happen though because she did her shopping yesterday