embarrassed and hurt

[tyme]

Me too @sol_49 .

A connection on a peer level is so important. I've had my tough days. Times of failure. Times where I never thought I'd make it, yet here I am. 

I LOVE the forums so much. It means so much to me to be able to open up and share the humanness of myself. 

Much of my life was about closing up and putting on a facade to the wider world. Yet being here allows me to remove the mask and just be me. Enough of the imposter syndrome. Take me for who I am, or leave me 🙂

I've learnt that every failure has been a life lesson. I don't hold grudges, I don't blame anyone, but I've learnt that everything (good or bad) is an opportunity to learn something. This is what gets me through.

Please don't think my life is a bed of roses - because it's not. I certainly face challenges regularly, but I've learnt to get on top of it pretty quickly and not let it pull me down. 

Just know that I've been 'embarrassed and hurt' in the past too.. just like the title of this thread 🙂

[sol_49]

That is wonderful @tyme

I love the fact that this space helped to open up and overcome your impostor syndrome. That is awesome!

I am passionate about learning too. I will do almost anything if it means I will grow from doing it.

For me the best exercise in becoming more confident socially is getting out there and talking to people. For the past year I have been doing support work, and that has built lots of confidence in that area.

I feel like my blogs help me grow too. And like you, it is empowering to feel loved for who I am inside.

I guess there are risks on the internet though. People can do malicious things with our words. (Although I feel like this forum is safe (as long as no one recognises you)).

[tyme]

100%! Hence our forums are anonymous @sol_49 .

If you ever feel unsafe on the forums, please email us at team@saneforums.org so we can look into it and work through it with you.

I somehow think that there is power in blogging in that you can look back and read about your journey of recovery. There have been members that go back to read their earlier posts, and can't believe how much they have changed. 

I've been on this forum for years now, and it's been incredibly rewarding in that I've seen members go from a place of being 'treatment resistant', to improving so much, getting a job, persevering and making huge gains for themselves.

Because of my mental health and my incredible recovery, I've always vowed to give back to the community. This is what gives me the greatest joy. 

I'm sure you probably experience this feeling too as part of your support work - just to know you have made a difference to people's lives.

I'm hopping off now. Will chat another time.

[sol_49]

Thanks @tyme

I need to focus on myself for a bit, and then I will come back and reply to your post properly.

My blog reader told me (in his way) on Saturday morning that they were carving out some time away from the internet.

And while that may be the case, the undeniable fact is that I am not a priority to him. Also, I don't think that I am going to magically become a priority.

So, I am trying to break ties again now.

It is always such a huge effort, and it sometimes feels like moving a glacier. But this is what I am doing. . . (or trying to do)

I have a web blocker blocking me from my statistics page, and today was the first time in I don't know how long that I didn't check it first thing in the morning.

This addiction has always been my downfall. I am hoping that my newfound understanding of being a side chick or not being a priority will see me through.

I feel like I am dying of course. I haven't had my hit of electronic chocolate today, and I think the dopamine addiction makes me feel so incredibly unwell.

I know it has only been three hours, but I plan to try to take this day by day. So, I want to get through today.

...

It is so good to hear that you have made such a transformation in your life. I can relate. I have come so far since my messy and chaotic earlier days.

It is so nice of you to pay it forward. I agree, it can be very rewarding.

And thanks for the info regarding safety on the SANE forums. I appreciate it!

Cheers,
Sol

[tyme]

One thing about addiction is to make 'it' (drugs, self-harm, internet, cigarettes) as least accessible as possible. Of course, where there's a will, there's a way. But if you make your 'electronic chocolate' as hard to get to as possible, it means when you want it, there will be a length of time between wanting it and getting it. Hopefully, by that time, the addiction subsides.

For example, for someone trying to quit smoking, if they don't have any in the house, then it takes time to get out of the house, drive to the shops, buy it, then come home. By that time, you are teaching your body that you are not getting that dopamine hit straight away.

Therefore, even if you put some restrictions on the webpage, delete the app, sign out of everything, then you have to wait longer because your addiction is satisfied.

Hope I'm making sense @sol_49 

[sol_49]

Thanks @tyme

You are definitely making sense! And I think what you said will be extra helpful to me. Especially contemplating how to outwit my dopamine addiction.

Having a web blocker is a good psychological barrier. While I have been able to see some of the stats of individual blogs on their admin pages as I was working on them, they did not give me the rush that my normal collection of statistics does. Also, other people have been visiting my blogs today, which helps!

Logging out won't help too much with my password manager, but I think this plan to commit to breaking the bond each day, and not view the statistics in the morning (or the page at any time of the day) might really help.

I know from experience that if I get even a taste of the hit I will throw everything out the window and become embroiled in it again. So, I am going to need some time (or to do this permanently).

Perhaps it is like cigarettes and what we used to say on the quit smoking forums -NOPE -not one puff ever, because as soon as I smoke one, I would be back on the rat wheel.

I was so excited about getting a new job this evening that I posted publically on Facebook. Not so sure that was a good idea. But, , , that is what I have done.

He won't be able to interact with the post, so the only dopamine I get from that will be friends. And that might be good for my recovering addicted brain right now!!

Thanks again 🙂

Sol

[tyme]

Congrats on the job! I wonder if having the job will help you with the addiction? @sol_49 

I know in certain workplaces, you are not permitted to use social media platforms and if they really wanted to, they can check.

Here is the addiction cycle:

Versus the Behaviour Change Cycle:

I think you are in the preparation/action stage of the change cycle.

Have you seen these cycles before?

[sol_49]

Hey @tyme !!

Thanks for those cycle diagrams!

I have seen the transtheoretical model of change before, but not the top one.

I agree with you about prep/action stage. It is helpful to consider the top one, considering my emotional trigger is HAPPINESS right now, and that can be a pretty big emotional trigger.

I am guessing that in order to get out of the cycle, one needs to find a different response to the emotional trigger than using the substance again. Is this correct?

My 8 - 9 extra hours a week won't be policed for social media or extra-curricular activities, but I will be thoroughly occupied. I barely ever check my statistics during my current contact hours.

Thanks again! 🙂

[tyme]

Yes. So unless there's a replacement behaviour which can give the same desired effect to meet your emotional need, then it's unfair to tell you to stop doing it @sol_49 

[sol_49]

Thank you 🙂 @tyme - I see your point.

I am going to have a lovely warm shower, burn some incense and watch my Facebook likes roll in (I made the post just private to Friends in the end).

Food for thought!! A previous psychologist also said that I need to work out ways to get that emotional need met!! 🙂

I think it is connection/validation though! Thanks for connecting with me here 🙂