embarrassed and hurt

[sol_49]

I feel so sad.

My psychologist warned me about this guy. He said that he was most likely 'a nasty piece of work'. And now he has broken my heart.

I have opened up and shared my soul with him on the internet for nearly a year now. I just found out that the reason he is never around in the evenings, Saturdays and holidays is because he has a girlfriend.

The worst thing is that I don't know how to remove myself from the situation. He doesn't actually talk to me, so it is not like I can just cut contact. He visits my blogs and I am addicted to the electronic chocolate. I don't know how to cut him off.

I am also embarrassed about all the hundreds of posts I wrote both in health and while in psychosis.

I want to pull every word from the internet. 

[tyme]

Hey @sol_49 ,

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I hear the pain through your posts. It takes a lot for a person to let someone into their lives so that they know so many intimate details.

I hear it is so hard for you right now. At the same time, you are not alone. Many others have found themselves in a similar place. 

It is not because you have done anything wrong. The internet can be such a trap.

We are sitting with you.

Hugs.

[sol_49]

Thanks @tyme 

I appreciate your kindness.

And I think you are right,

The internet can be a trap.

Maybe this time I will remember how badly he treated me.

I guess I can only take it one moment at a time.

Thanks again.

[tyme]

Actually, when I saw your username pop up, I was kinda excited because I haven't seen you in a long time @sol_49 . 

I was really glad to hear from you.

For me, I don't have access to any social media accounts so that I don't fall into the trap. Social media platforms are made to entice you, eat up your time, give you a dopamine hit every time you get a notification... humans are made to want connection. Together? Bad things can happen.

Please just be careful and practice self-care. Do what you think is right for you. Allow yourself to heal and tell yourself you haven't done anything wrong, but there are things that can be learnt, moving forward.

Hugs

[sol_49]

Thanks @tyme !!

You are too kind. It is nice to hear from you again too. I think you do an amazing job on this forum.

Deleting social media sounds like a great way to deal with what can be pretty awful outcomes of using the internet. The dopamine/connection cocktail is definitely a problem for me.

Intuitively, it seems that making all (or most of) my blogs private and only writing for myself might be the kind of boundary that would support my self-respect.

Deep down, one part of me doesn't want to share anything else with this horrible person - it is a complete waste of time. While another part of me doesn't care. And doesn't have feelings for him anyway.

I guess I should probably harness the opportunity of the anger and pull the plug.

Something is making me hesitate though. Perhaps because I tried to break up with him three weeks ago and lasted two weeks, before coming back. I don't want to keep flip-flopping.

I am curious about what I would share with someone who has a relationship at home, but I am probably insane, and it doesn't even feel like the ethical thing to do.

Thanks again for your support. You are very kind. ((hugs))

[Asgard]

Hi @sol_49 

How are ye doing today.  The battle between the head and the heart can be cruel at times.  Don't let a nob like that internet guy get you down and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.  Lets just say you might be a little bit wiser due to this circumstance.  If we were to believe what we saw on social media then everyone is leading the most fabulous of lives, NOT.  It's all a fantasy world, with people always showing the best possible side of themselves.  Your problem was that you showed yourself as a really decent person who has feelings, a genuine human being and alas you encountered a complete and utter shallow tw#t.  So forget about him, he is not worth even thinking about and continue on being the lovely person you are...................Asgard

[Minkie-Rose]

Hi @sol_49 

I understand how this experience has impacted you, including feelings of embarrassment. However, it seems that the person you have been communicating with has some significant character flaws and as such, you need to consider if he is adding value to your life.

Additionally, and acknowledging your mental health challenges, your experience of on-line deception provides you with an opportunity to reset, and to investigate alternative avenues for meeting people. This includes face-to-face interactions with people that share your values of integrity and authenticity.

Apart from this suggestion, please be kind to yourself and keep in mind that your aspiration for a relationship which is based on love, mutual respect, and honesty, is shared by most people. Equally important, is to recognise that it may take a few (or sometimes many) goes before you find the 'right person'. 

Lastly, I will leave you with two quotes that have helped me to overcome some personal disappointments: 'forewarned is forearmed' and 'onwards and upwards'. I hope these simple messages give room for pause, and are helpful.

[sol_49]

Thanks so much @Asgard

I appreciate your support. And yes, I am concentrating on what I can learn from this experience right now.

It is hard to simply not think about him. And I think you're right though - he is just a jerk.

Thank you, (( 🙂 ))

[sol_49]

Thanks so much for your wise words @Minkie-Rose

It is nice to think about the future. I like your idea of a reset.

And I am pretty cut up right now.

Something about the tears feels right though. Maybe they will help me move past this more permanently.

[Asgard]

Morning @sol_49 

Have been in a similar situation to you aswell a while ago, so I know its bloody hard not to think of them.  Of course the brain being what it is, ye only ever think of the nice times, rose tinted glasses or what.  Anyways you deserve better, waaay better and you will find it too.

Thinking of you.......Asgard