I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’ve picked up the car and organised to get new tyres tomorrow. These ones have wire showing. 

I have just gotten home @Ru-bee. I am trying to unwind. I have to take the dogs out and then I’ll do the Lego to try and regulate. I’m still really highly activated. 

I am pacing the kitchen trying to calm my breathing down. I need to settle. 

I need to keep talking. 

Hi @Jynx. Welcome back. I hope you got some of your decluttering done. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yeah a bit, not as much as I'd initially intended - turns out it's quite a gargantuan task! But got the pantry done and the kitchen started, and that's often the hardest part ay just getting the process going.

Glad you're home now, totally normal that the feeling of dysregulation will still be lingering, but it'll pass. What Lego are you working on atm?

[Captain24]

It is a huge task @Jynx. But at least it’s a start and maybe it makes it easier to do a bit at a time. 

I have to sort out 3 rooms. 2 for the house sitters and the tied to fit the crap from the other 2 rooms! Then I need to sort out the pantry and freezer so they can fit stuff. 

I get the huge task!!! 

I am working on a surprise one. I’ll have it finished soon. It has been difficult and confronting. 

My chest hurts so much. So much. My head is pounding. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yeah for sure, getting started was soooo hard. I also kept going like to Bunnings to look at storage stuff and had to keep telling myself to only look for storage solutions once I've actually sorted everything and figured out what I need. But the dopamine of getting a new spice rack was pretty good I tell ya what 😂

Do you have a method or approach to sorting that tends to work well for you? 

Oooh surprise Lego, colour me super intrigued!! 

Aww hun, that really sucks. Sending you big huggles. It will pass eventually 🤞💜

[Captain24]

I decide what I need. @Jynx. Like I need 3 clear shelves in the front room so I’ve sorted and threw some stuff out until I got the 3 shelves. I did move stuff to another room. So then I’ll do that room and the I have to make space for it in the last room. Not a good plane but that’s what I’m trying to do. 

New stuff always feels good. How many times have you look at that spice rack and thought ‘cooool’? 

I’m still trying to settle but I finished it. 

  

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yeah poif, that's sorta what I'm trying to do, like making space in my kitchen frees up some shelves that can now hold some of my crafting supplies, freeing up storage space for other stuff. I find it hard to visualise, so trying to picture what I want it to look like isn't really viable, so I can't really determine what I might need storage-wise until it's all in its new spot. So till then, I guess I will be getting a bit of extra exercise since my house is basically an obstacle course now 🤣

Aha yep I am pretty chuffed with it!! It's nice to have them all there sorted into like, flavour profiles and different cuisines. 

WOW!! That's soooo cool! Is it intended to be a pride flag? I love it!

[Captain24]

I get the obstacle course @Jynx. I had to hang my washing on sirens to try and finish drying them. There was no room

in that room. I was tripping over so much stuff! 

4 weeks today until I go to hospital so I have to have it all done by then! 

I would be doing that, just keep checking it out! I’ll do that once I finish the rooms and clear a shelf in my pantry. Just keep looking and patting myself on the back. 

I’ve spent a lot of time on reddit. I think I know who I am. I’m just struggling to accept myself, not judge myself and I’m having issues with my religious beliefs. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 oh true! Got a deadline to work to. I find that helps haha, my ability to clean my house is much more... er, frantic? whenever I am about to have a house inspection - external deadlines help haha. 

Oh true, well congrats on finding some self-understanding! And of course, it's always going to take time to process and wrap your head around everything, self-acceptance doesn't usually begin straight away. For most of us, we still have internal stigmas and biases to work through, and that takes time. 

I think it can definitely be tricky when it comes to our spiritual identity too. I think there's a number of like, queer-Christian groups dotted about, but wouldn't know where to find em. Was there any discussions on reddit about the religion side of things?

[Captain24]

I actually spoke to my psych about it @Jynx. I actually said it out loud to someone. It wasn’t easy but I said it. 

Thanks for helping me through this. I’m going to have a lot of trouble accepting that I’m different. 

Im catholic which makes it difficult. I am going to try and go to confession and get it out and ask for acceptance. I never thought to ask about religion. 

I may be overthinking it. It doesn’t go to far from my beliefs. 

I need to stop overthinking! I am listening to myself. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 😍 omg congrats! What a huge step! Yeah always more gravitas when we say it aloud hey! 

You are very welcome, so glad to be part of your journey hun. And I'm so here for wherever it leads to next! And like yeah, it can be really hard to come to terms with being not just different, but part of a community that has to deal with oppression. Just like the stigma surrounding mental ill-health, or folks living with disability or chronic illness, can be a bit of a gut-punch to realise things like, 'oh... there are people out there who seem okay with hating me just because I exist. Great....'

The flipside of this is that there's a whole community of folks who share these experiences and can help us to feel accepted and even celebrated for who we are. And within the religious community too! I just found this queer Cahtolic group called Acceptance Melbourne - you're up in NSW if I recall correctly? So might not be your community per se, but they do have some resources and links on their website, and maybe they'd know of similar groups in your region if you decided to reach out to them.

I also think, well at least, in my experience, spiritual practice may be a good way to connect with others and support the community, but it is also a very personal relationship too. I think if hate groups can cherry-pick bible verses to spread their hate, then we're allowed to cherry-pick the parts that resonate with us. Your relationship with God and with your spiritual self is yours alone, and not even the Catholic Church can take that away from you. But I do hope that you feel supported during confession if you decide to go 💜