I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’ve managed 2 hours sleep between 7 and now. So I’m pretty tired @Ru-bee 

Apparently the meds I’m coming off will affect my sleep for months. So the temptation to help it is so strong. Sleep is so important, lack of sleep can bring on mania so it’s going to be a long risky few months. 

Im scared to let it all out to my psych. Not that she would ever judge me but I’m worried about if she might. But I’m scared to say it all out loud. She needs to know though. This is the reason for calling in sick tonight. 

I get my hair foiled and layered and it’s shoulder length so there is no option of doing it myself. You do well to cut your own. 

[Captain24]

Well that was a tough appointment. I told her everything that has been running on loop through my head. All the harshness, all the nastiness, all the hatred. I let it all out. It was a massive appointment. 

We then did chair work and I had to find my punitive and say it all again to another chair. We’ve named it Carra. My healthy adult self has to tell carra to f@ck off when it appears. 

Im so tired, so drains, so exhausted mentally. I have nothing left to give. I hurt so much. My body is so heavy but so weak. I feel so miserable, so down, so sad, so depleted. 

She did the depression score I know I failed but she didn’t say anything. One thing she didn’t do was check in my safety. I would have liked her to ask that question. We did go overtime though. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 I was just replying to your other post but saw this one. 

It sounds like a really, really hard session. Since your psych didn't ask those questions around safety I want to check in and ask if you're feeling safe at the moment?

[Captain24]

I don’t feel overly safe

[Ru-bee]

Okay, I'm going to reach out to you over email @Captain24. I'll let you know when I've sent it 

[Captain24]

It doesn’t matter. You finish soon anyway @Ru-bee 

[AuntGlow]

I will be here when @Ru-bee leaves, @Captain24. 💛

[Ru-bee]

I've sent it through if you want to check your inbox @Captain24 💜

[Ru-bee]

The care doesn't end when my shift does @Captain24 I just want to make sure we can talk about ways to help you to feel safe. If I'm not here to see your reply tonight others will be, we're all here to support you

[Captain24]

I’ve just journaled my appointment today. I’ve had a hot shower and dinner is almost here.

I haven’t done enough. 

Im still not ok.